Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
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One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.