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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Can Happiness buy money?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?