Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful