Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.