Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I want what they have
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*