H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb