Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*limbos away from your hug*
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind