Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are