My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?