The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
You Might Also Like
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.