Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.