I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Nothing.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.