Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Bringing home a sharpie
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.