“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?