When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
you will never know the true number of layers
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it