“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.