I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
#NoRestForTheWicked
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”