prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
iPhone X
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.