I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
never deleting this app.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.