Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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I hate my earbuds.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*