When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
You Might Also Like
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.