Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*