Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway