Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??