IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My five year plan is a meteorite
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.