Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?