The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
When you’ve simply given up.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
#Caturday
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Chicken bread
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace