Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
You Might Also Like
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Should I call tech support or pray or what
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Finally, an explanation.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.