ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.