I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
dutch is not a serious language
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…