stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
my first day as a raccoon
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.