wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
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*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?