If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician