I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…