I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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I love wikipedia
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
eggs benadryl
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.