Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.