[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Legend 🤣🤣
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
They did not miss in the small print
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*