I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
You Might Also Like
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?