him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!