Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.