I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
LOOOOOOL
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown