[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]