I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
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Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Otters see a butterfly.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!