[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing