Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
me when i see my girls butt
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.