My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.