I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming