If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
You Might Also Like
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady