i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
You Might Also Like
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Awwwww shit.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
seems like a niche market
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around