Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
You Might Also Like
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
How it started: How it’s going:
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS